Dad and his affair-partner wife try to take his 2 kids out of school for 3 weeks to go on a healing vacation because she found out she couldn't have children of her own: 'He said that school isn't more important than family.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Jan 25, 2025 4:00 PM EST

Children should not be brought into this world to fix adult problems. If a person is unhappy, broke, unfulfilled, and unstable, they should not have a kid to fix those problems. And yet, the unfulfilled desires of parents are a reason why so many kids are born. It is true that the addition of parental responsibility is often a wake-up call for people to get their life together, and many parents claim that having a kid is the most fulfilling thing that ever happened to them. That being said, parents should not live vicariously through their children or use their children to solve their childhood traumas. A lot of adult adoptees talk about the burden of feeling like they were used as a solution to their adoptive parent's fertility problems.  The primary responsibility of parenting is to prepare children to be independent, intelligent, capable, and kind adult members of society.

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  • Even if you are a stepparent, you share many of the same duties and responsibilities as mom and dad. Similarly, you can fall into the same trap of using kids for your emotional healing in a way that's inappropriate for them. The stepmom in this story fell 10 stories into this trap. 

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    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for not allowing my ex and former best friend to take my kids out of state for a week to heal and recover after she was left unable to have children?

    I have two children under 12 with my ex. We divorced five years ago after I found out he and my former best friend were having an affair. They both tried to apologize and asked for it to not ruin everything but their actions had already ruined everything. I hate the two of them. I no longer care about how they're doing. But for my kids' sake I remain civil. I
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    have never badmouthed them to my kids. I have never told my kids what happened. I would never want my kids to be harmed more by their father's actions than they already were. And the divorce was tough for them and they had
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    a hard time coming to terms with the changes. They still need therapy for some adjustment issues that have remained. My former best friend hasn't helped it either by trying to continue on as best friends despite her actions.
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    It also didn't help that the kids went from their parents living together to their dad living with mom's former friend. But again, my primary focus has been my children. I love my kids more than I hate those two repulsive
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    individuals. I love my kids more than myself which is why I worked so hard to be civil in front of my kids. Because the last thing I wanted was to make nice with them. But my kids love their dad and that has never changed.
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    My ex and this woman are now married and they tried to have children together. In December she had her 10th miscarriage and had to be rushed to the hospital and into surgery which left her unable to get pregnant again. I got a call from ex telling me all this and asking me to bring the
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    children to the hospital to stay until she was ready to leave. It was my parenting time so I told him I would not bring them to sit and wait. He was very unsettled and told me to bring the kids by and he'd get them to ask me to let them stay. I told him that
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    wasn't happening. He made no more contact after that and he didn't take the kids for his parenting time either or contact me about it. His mom reached out and she told me he refused to leave the hospital. He didn't
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    see them until his parenting time came around again and she was released. There was a new tension in the air at that point. He was furious with me for keeping the kids from sitting vigil in the hospital with him.
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    Now we have another dilemma that's become an issue. My ex booked a healing getaway for them and they want the kids to go along. It happens during my week and it's a school week. He also wants to take his weeks as normal before and after that. So
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    he would have them for three consecutive weeks. From what he stated he would potentially keep them out of school for that long so the kids can be there to help her recover and grieve knowing she has them, was how he explained it to me.
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    I said no and I explained that I was not letting him take them out of school for a week just for her. I told him the kids are not their emotional support to get them. through this and therapy is significantly better. I told him I didn't approve of them missing extended school time period. But I wasn't giving up my week for it. He tried to state the week he missed should be made up for, but our court ordered parenting plan states if a parent voluntarily doesn't take their week, without an agreed
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    give up a week in return. I pointed this out to him and he asked me how I could be so by the book about this. He said human decency would state I should be willing to put aside our differences at a time like this. And that school isn't more important than family. He asked me how I would feel if she ends her life because of this and my refusal was part of the reason why. I told him I wouldn't feel anything. I told him they lost all their rights for me to feel something for them when they betrayed
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    He's pushing very hard for this and trying to guilt me into agreeing. I know I might be overly harsh in my response to this so I wanted to ask if people believe I'm wrong or not.
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    cassowary32 NTA. Are you sure they won't just leave early during his custody time and take the kids anyway? Can you talk to your lawyer about options if that happens?
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    Nearby-Savings-5686 OP He would lose custody if he did that. He needs my permission to leave the state with them just like I need his. They could try it. But it would be considered kidnapping at that point and he knows I'd go after him for it. That's why he's pressing for my consent.
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    Seeker_ofLight I'm wondering if you should having a tracking device secretly in your kids' bags when they visit your ex. I think the possibility of kidnapping or at least keeping the kids beyond their time is highly likely. ("We meant to be back in time but our car broke down and they said it'll take a week to get the parts.")
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    Fluffy_Contract7925 I know it was already suggested to you about using one of the approved parenting communication apps. But this right here is why. You verbally told him no, but he could actually say he miss understood. So it turns out to be a she said he said situation. Where if it is documented it is in writing(I believe these apps don't let a person change or delete what the other one said). Also when you call the school ask them to notify you if he comes to take them out early. I would worr
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    juzme99 1d ago Not trying to scare you at all, but you ex trying to help her heal through having the kids for 3 weeks is ridiculous. He wanted the children on your week to sit in vigil with him in a hospital, could have been quite traumatizing to them, which for some reason didn't occur to him at all, he seems to be only focused on her needs.
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    But 3 weeks is plenty of time for the both of them to disappear with your children. The pair of them don't seem to have any guilt what so ever, when it comes to taking things from you. This is a woman who after stealing your husband expected you to still to be besties. Why wouldn't she want to take your children now she can't have her own. because in her mind you can have more.
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    ForwardPlenty • 1d ago NTA Top 1% Commenter Your kids are not your cheating ex's wife's emotional support animals. He can go get a dog. Dogs love you even if you are a complete a h_le. You don't pull kids out of school just to make yourself feel better. That is completely inappropriate.
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    Nearby-Savings-5686 OP I agree and he sounds like he would keep them out for three weeks if not for a little less than that. It's a lot of school to miss. And not a very good reason in my opinion.
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    ForwardPlenty I would actually be more concerned about the emotional damage this so called "healing getaway" would inflict. You don't expect kids to provide adults emotional support like that. And you are completely right, three weeks out of school is a lot. It may cause them to fall behind a grade, and could be considered truancy, because the school would have to agree that that vacation would be an acceptable excuse for missing. school. Just so many things wrong with their selfish idea.
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    Nearby-Savings-5686 OP You don't. They are so very wrong for it and they do not see it. Plus there's a lack of care about the impact on the kids emotionally and educationally.
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    Bogjongis I'd start contacting lawyers to change you parenting agreement if you can, she should definitely not be around your kids, being an adults emotional support system is very very damaging
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    Procrastinator_Mum • 1d ago Um, did he suggest the wife may end her own life & somehow that is the children's responsibility? This is extremely concerning.
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    jewel_flip I've had 13 pregnancy losses and can say at no point did I use anyone else's children as a crutch for my recovery. He is enabling an incredibly toxic "healing journey".
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    Plastic_Confusion_52 Just on the school absences: he'd have to unenroll them in order for them to miss that much without drawing the attention of the school board/truancy people (assuming you're in the US). Not to mention it would be incredibly traumatic for the kids. He's not thinking of their best interests at all.
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    Nearby-Savings-5686 OP She's also expecting the kids to be there. If he's being honest, and I think for the most part he is, she was disappointed it was just for the two of them initially and wanted the kids to join them and wants to be around them more so they can "feel like a family". None of this is fair on the kids. My ex said he's concerned about it but that's where I know he's lying.
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divorced family drama school affairs kids affair stepmom dad ex wife divorce family ex husband mom family vacation children vacation custody
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